I am boycotting my usual morning radio show. I know this
will impact the station greatly. Serves them right.
Today is Groundhog Day! I was beside myself waiting to hear what 106.1 radio host Chio had in store for this momentous of days! I really love
Groundhog Day – it might have something to do with the Harold Ramis/Bill Murray
movie, or that time I made a construction-paper gopher on a Popsicle stick in
elementary school. Either way, I’m a fan!
I started the day off with a little musical Groundhog celebration.
You see, prior to Chio actually talking on the air during his show that I start
listening to at 5:30 a.m., the station merely plays very crappy music. Like, the
same crappy songs ad nauseam mixed with pre-recorded announcements meant to
trick us into thinking Chio is actually there at the mic and awake. I usually
don’t mind this nonsense as I’m half-asleep, but today being the day of all
days, such ear bullshit wouldn’t do. So, I made my own Groundhog Day playlist on
Spotify consisting of “I Got You Babe.” On repeat. It was glorious.
But, at exactly 6:07 a.m., when Chio deigns to actually
show up to his own radio show, I clicked off the computer speakers blaring my
“playlist” in the bedroom and ran to the bathroom to click on the shower radio,
half expecting to be serenaded once more by “I Got You Babe.” What will Chio do
for this Groundhog Day?!?!
With bated breath, I waited for the shower radio to “warm
up,” and instead of Sonny and Cher, some crappy 2016 pop song blared instead.
But it was okay, I thought! Once Chio comes on, he will greet us loyal
listeners with a big fat resounding “Happy Groundhog Day!” Or, if we’re lucky,
even a “And don’t forget your booties ‘cause it’s cooooold out there today!” I
mean, dude’s a DJ; isn’t that the only reason to get into the profession? Solely for
the opportunity to reenact the tomfoolery of the radio DJs in the Groundhog
Day movie every February 2nd?
Anyway, the song fades and Chio finally arrives on the mic….and welcomes me with
a plain ole “Good morning! It’s February 2nd.” Huh? Well, maybe Producer Matt
was delayed in queuing up The Pennsylvania Polka or something. So I waited, but
– nadda. It was all just business as usual. I felt myself deflating.
It took Nicole to break in and exclaim “Happy Groundhog
Day!”, which proceeded to unleash Chio’s apparent ire toward this wonderful day.
“I don’t get it,” Chio lamely lamented. “Why is this the
big story? Everyone in the office is talking about it - all the news stations
have stories. What is Groundhog Day? Is it a gimmick?”
No, you curdled pustule, it’s an actual procedure for
predicting the weather in the coming weeks.
I felt flames lapping the side of my temples; Did Chio have
no sense of whimsy? No imagination? I hoped sorority-girl-voiced Nicole would set ole
Chio straight being that she was the one to actually wish listeners a “Happy
Groundhog’s Day” after Chio squandered the opportunity and then shat on
everything.
But, to my dismay, Nicole dropped the ball too. On the
plus side, she did try to encourage baldo Chio to stop being such a lame, unimaginative,
square wet noodle and embrace tradition, but
her explanation of the day was all wrong. Firstly she said it was a
“Pennsylvania thing.” (It’s not.)
Secondly, she failed to mention that Groundhog Day is a mid-winter
celebration that celebrates the returning of the light. Fool didn’t even
mention that it came about by way of Imbolc, Candlemas and St. Brigid’s Day. Get
your shit together, Nicole!
So, I’m done with 106.1. Can you now see why I have no
choice other than to boycott them? You know what, Chiiiio? With my absence, I’ve
got a winter prediction for you: “It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and
it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.”
A few other Groundhog notes:
1) Back in the day, getting up to see the groundhog
extraction on TV (and then going to bed) was an incredibly early and sickening endeavor
for me. Like, getting up “so early” at 7:00-ish made me sick to my stomach. Haha! Fast-forward
to new job, and here I am now, dressed and having been at work for an hour, waiting
on damned Phil to make his entrance! Craziness!
2) I always thought groundhogs didn’t really emerge from
hibernation this time of year and that we just used ‘em for our mid-winter
celebration because they’re abundant and cuter and safer than waking the
prognosticating badger or bear of early European mid-winter festival fame. Groundhogs
end hibernation in March. Turns out, however, that in this region, groundhogs do come out of hibernation for a short
time this time of year. The dudes get up and check out the playing field for a
lady during this time so that when hibernation is really over around March,
they can get busy right away to produce offspring that will be fat enough to
survive the upcoming winter. Isn’t that sweet? Lookin’ for love ‘round
Valentine’s Day, aww!
3) Apparently, Imbolc and Candlemas festivities both featured
weather-forecasting aspects. Imbolc celebrants would observe the aforementioned
badger and bear’s activities to predict how the rest of winter would play out, while
Candlemas celebrants relied on a poem that suggested if the weather was fair on
Candlemas day, then winter would come back even harder to bite you in the ass
in the upcoming weeks. See how we mixed both of these traditions into our
Groundhog Day festivities?
3) Not Groundhog related, but I had to share: Mike
brought home the best surprise - Scrabble Cheez-Its!! I tore open the box and grabbed
a “B”, a “Z” and two “Os.” At first I thought they were sucky, stupid letters,
but then I saw Booz! I guess that’s
good – an “alternate spelling” to Booze.
And, oh! Zobo! I guess that’s okay
too – kinda like what Dani loved to talk about in Hocus Pocus. So, I busied myself being mildly pleased with my
Scrabble-ing skills, and then Mike takes my crackers and – bam! Bozo. How the fudge did I miss that one?
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